Skip to content
RelationshipAdvices
SexModerate evidence

Is it normal to have less sex after having kids?

The short answer

Yes, and it lasts longer than most couples are told. Frequency drops sharply and recovers slowly over the first year and beyond, driven by exhaustion, physical recovery, hormonal changes during breastfeeding, and the sheer disappearance of unclaimed time. The part worth acting on is pain: a substantial minority of women still have pain during sex more than a year after birth, and that is treatable rather than something to wait out.

10 min readPublished Updated

What readers think

After having children, did your sex life return to what it was?

Anonymous. One vote per reader.

Almost every couple experiences this and a surprising number believe they are the exception. The advice they are usually given is a single number, six weeks, which describes when it is generally safe to resume rather than when anyone feels ready, and the gap between those two things is where most of the worry lives. The research on what actually happens over the following year is more useful, and more reassuring, than the six-week figure that stands in for it.

The timeline is longer than the six-week check

Cohort studies following women through the first eighteen months after birth find that resumption of sexual activity is gradual and highly variable, with most couples resuming within the first six months but frequency remaining well below pre-pregnancy levels considerably longer[1]. The six-week appointment is a clearance to resume, not a prediction that anyone will want to. Treating it as a deadline produces a specific and avoidable harm: couples who resume before the person who gave birth is physically or emotionally ready often have a painful or unwanted first experience, which then makes the next attempt harder. The trajectory in the research is a slow return over many months, and couples measuring themselves against six weeks are comparing themselves to something that was never a target.

Pain is common, persistent, and treated far too casually

This is the part most worth knowing. Prospective cohort research following women to eighteen months after birth found that pain during sex was reported by a large proportion in the early months and, crucially, still affected a substantial minority beyond twelve months[2]. Persistent pain is not an inevitable consequence of childbirth to be endured. It has identifiable causes including scar tissue from tearing or episiotomy, pelvic floor dysfunction, and vaginal dryness from the low oestrogen state that accompanies breastfeeding, and each of those has treatment. The reason to be emphatic here is that pain reliably extinguishes desire, so a couple treating a physical problem as a relationship problem will work on the wrong thing for years.

Why desire drops even when nothing hurts

Reviews of sexual function after childbirth identify several mechanisms operating at once rather than a single cause[3]. Sleep deprivation alone substantially reduces desire. Breastfeeding lowers oestrogen, which affects both desire and lubrication directly. Being touched continuously by an infant produces what many describe as a saturation of physical contact, so that further touch is unwelcome regardless of feeling toward a partner. And the unstructured time in which desire used to surface has simply disappeared. None of these are about the relationship, which is worth saying plainly, because the partner who is not the one recovering often reads the change as a verdict on them and the resulting pressure makes everything harder.

It depends, on what?

What changes the answer

There is an asymmetry here that is often left unspoken. The physical recovery falls on one person, but the change in the relationship falls on both, and the partner who did not give birth is frequently told their frustration is illegitimate. It is not illegitimate; it is simply not the other person's obligation to resolve on demand. Both can be true. It is also worth noting that this is not exclusively about the birthing parent: adoptive parents and non-birthing partners report similar declines, which points at the exhaustion and time collapse rather than at physiology alone. And the recovery is genuinely non-linear. Couples commonly describe a return to something like normal well before the child's first birthday, others considerably later, and the variation between couples is wide enough that comparing yourself to a friend's timeline tells you very little.

Where people disagree

Both sides of it

Reasonable people land in different places on this. Here is the strongest version of each case, not a straw man of the one we disagree with.

The case for yes

  • The decline is close to universal, so treating it as evidence of a problem in the relationship misreads a predictable phase.
  • Most of the causes are physical or circumstantial and resolve on their own timeline, which means patience is often the correct response rather than a failure to act.
  • Pressure during this period reliably makes things worse, and couples who accept a slower return generally get there sooner than those who force it.
  • Understanding the mechanisms removes a lot of unnecessary blame from a partner who is not withholding anything.

The case for no

  • Normalising all of it can mean pain gets endured for years when it is treatable, which is the single most common failure here.
  • The partner who did not give birth has a real experience too, and telling them their frustration is illegitimate leaves them nowhere to put it.
  • Some patterns established during this period outlast their cause, and a couple that never revisits it can find avoidance has become the default years later.
  • Attributing everything to the baby can mask postnatal depression or a relationship problem that predates the birth.

Evidence

What the research says

How we rate evidence strength
Strong evidence
Multiple independent studies, including replications or meta-analyses, point the same way.
Moderate evidence
Several studies support this, but samples are limited or findings vary by population.
Limited evidence
Early, small, or single-study evidence. Treat this as a reasonable hypothesis, not a settled fact.
Contested
Credible researchers disagree, or the evidence points in conflicting directions.

Comparative view

Different perspectives

Traditions and disciplines answer this differently. We describe what each one teaches. We are not telling you which is right, and no tradition speaks with a single voice.

Therapist Perspective

Therapists frequently see couples arrive years after the birth with a pattern that began then and outlasted its cause: one partner avoiding, the other pressing, and neither able to remember how it started. The clinical advice most often given during the period itself is to keep some form of physical affection that carries no expectation, because the couples who stop touching altogether have the hardest time restarting. Clinicians also commonly note that the non-birthing partner's frustration is legitimate and needs a hearing, and that dismissing it tends to convert it into resentment. This describes prevailing practice rather than a controlled finding.

Medical Perspective

Clinicians treating postpartum sexual difficulty work through a fairly standard sequence: perineal healing and scar tissue, pelvic floor function, vaginal dryness related to lactation, and mood. The recurring frustration reported in this area is how rarely pain is raised, because it is widely assumed to be an expected consequence of childbirth. Pelvic health physiotherapy is well established for pelvic floor dysfunction and scar-related pain, and topical treatment is straightforward for lactation-related dryness. The practical message clinicians repeat is that pain is a symptom to investigate rather than a stage to get through.

Secular Perspective

A secular framing holds the two facts together without ranking them. The person recovering owes nobody access to their body on a schedule, and the other partner's disappointment is a real experience rather than a failure of decency. What follows from that is a practical obligation on both sides: to be honest about where things are and to treat it as a shared circumstance rather than one person's deficiency. Neither the expectation of prompt resumption nor the expectation of silent patience survives this framing intact.

Christian Perspective

Christian teaching does not set a fixed postpartum period, and contemporary pastoral counsel on this is largely practical, emphasising patience, shared responsibility for the household load, and the understanding that a season of reduced intimacy is not a failure of the marriage covenant. Many Christian counsellors specifically address the non-birthing partner, framing the period as one where love is expressed through carrying more of the work rather than through what is received. Presented as that tradition's reasoning rather than a standard readers are expected to adopt.

Islamic Perspective

Islamic law addresses this period directly through the rulings on nifas, the postnatal bleeding during which intercourse is not permitted, generally treated as lasting until bleeding stops and up to a maximum of forty days. This gives the recovery period an explicit religious framing rather than leaving it to negotiation, which many couples find clarifying. Beyond that period the tradition's general principles apply: the prohibition on causing harm, the instruction to good treatment, and the recognition of illness and weakness as excuses. Scholars generally emphasise gentleness and patience during this stage. Offered as one tradition's reasoning rather than a universal standard.

Practical steps

What you can actually do

  1. Treat pain as a medical issue and say the word explicitly to a doctor. Scar tissue, pelvic floor problems and breastfeeding dryness are treatable, and a pelvic health physiotherapy referral is often the fastest route.

  2. Ignore the six-week figure as a target. It marks when resuming is generally safe, not when anyone is ready, and using it as a deadline causes the painful first attempt that sets things back.

  3. Separate affection from initiation deliberately during this period, since the partner recovering is often saturated with physical contact and needs touch that is not a request.

  4. Use lubricant without treating it as a workaround. Reduced lubrication while breastfeeding is a hormonal fact, not a measure of desire.

  5. Check for postnatal depression in both of you. It is under-diagnosed generally and substantially more so in fathers and non-birthing partners.

Worth unlearning

Common misconceptions

  • That six weeks is when things return to normal. It marks medical clearance to resume; cohort research shows frequency stays well below pre-pregnancy levels for far longer.

  • That pain after childbirth is something you simply live with. Prospective research finds it persists past a year for a substantial minority, and the common causes are treatable.

  • That reduced desire means reduced attraction. Sleep loss, hormonal changes during breastfeeding and touch saturation all suppress desire independently of how anyone feels about a partner.

  • That it only affects the person who gave birth. Adoptive and non-birthing partners report similar declines, which points at exhaustion and lost time rather than physiology alone.

  • That a slow return signals a damaged relationship. Variation between couples is wide, and the pace says little about the marriage.

The short version

Key takeaways

  • Frequency drops sharply and returns gradually over many months, so the six-week clearance is not a timeline for recovery.

    Research

  • Pain during sex persists beyond twelve months for a substantial minority of women and has treatable causes.

    Research

  • Sleep loss, breastfeeding-related hormonal change and touch saturation suppress desire independently of feelings toward a partner.

    Research

  • Postnatal depression affects desire directly and is under-diagnosed, particularly in fathers and non-birthing partners.

    Clinical consensus

Worth saying

When to get professional help

See a doctor about pain rather than waiting it out, and be specific about it. Persistent pain during sex after childbirth is common enough to be normalised and treatable enough that enduring it is unnecessary; scar tissue, pelvic floor dysfunction and breastfeeding-related dryness all have effective treatments, and a referral to a pelvic health physiotherapist is standard in many places. Raise low mood with a doctor too: postnatal depression affects desire directly and is frequently missed, particularly beyond the first few months and particularly in fathers and non-birthing partners, who are screened far less often. Consider a sex therapist or couples counsellor if the pattern has hardened into avoidance on one side and pressure on the other, which tends to persist after the original cause has resolved.

Find support services near you

Still wondering

Related questions people ask

There is no single answer, which is itself the useful information. Most couples resume within six months but frequency commonly stays below pre-pregnancy levels well beyond that. Wide variation between couples means another couple's timeline tells you very little about your own.

Community

What other people say

These are readers describing their own relationships, not professionals. Take them as experience, not advice, and please do not name anyone.

0/4000

    No one has shared their experience yet. If you have been here, you would be the first, and probably the most useful thing on this page.

    Check our work

    Sources

    1. [1]
      Women's experiences of sex and intimacy after childbirth: making the adjustment to motherhood(opens in a new tab)

      Woolhouse, H., McDonald, E., & Brown, S. · Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology · 2012

    2. [2]
    3. [3]
      Female sexual function during pregnancy and after childbirth(opens in a new tab)

      Serati, M., Salvatore, S., Siesto, G., Cattoni, E., Zanirato, M., Khullar, V., Cromi, A., Ghezzi, F., & Bolis, P. · The Journal of Sexual Medicine · 2010

    Researched and written by the RelationshipAdvices Desk, reviewed before publication, and updated as the evidence changes. We are not licensed therapists. How we work.

    postpartumparentinglibidopain during sexnew parents

    People who read this also asked